Dia 22 de mi vida a oscuras 💡

Hoy en mi 4.º día de terapia me he dado cuenta de muchas cosas, te extraño y te amo, pero muchas cosas me llenan de tristeza aun, al igual que a ti, estoy llena de miedos al igual que tu,  vine a un país que no conocía, donde no tenía a nadie solo a ti, y mi sacrificio nunca fue valorado, deje mi vida, toda mi independencia, mis amigos, mi libertad (no la libertad de pareja, sino la libertad hasta de ir a las tiendas cuando queria, de salir a un parque, estaba siempre encerrada) , todo por ti, y sacrifique tanto como tú en esta relación pero nunca podrás ver mi esfuerzo, nunca podrás ver cuanto sacrifique, estás segada con las cosas que tu tuviste que sacrificar, y lo entiendo, una vez me dijiste que el ser humano tiende a ver con mas claridad sus aportes y sacrificios a una causa que los de los demas.

Todos estos días he pensado en todas las cosas que hice mal, cuanto te herí, lo mal que te sentiste y que tan rota te deje, me arrepiento de todo eso, y me responsabilizo y tengo toda la intención de cambiar, pero me gustaría que alguien entendiera cuanto me dolieron las cosas a mí, cuanto me heriste tu, quizá sin intención son heridas al fin y duelen igual, quisiera que alguien entendiera que las cosas que hacían también eran hirientes, pero cuando hablo del tema piensas que me escudo en eso que sentía para justificar mis errores, y no es así, sigo responsabilizandome y entiendo que mis acciones fueron las desiciones que yo tome, no importa en que se basaran, siempre pude haber tomado otra actitud, siempre pude haberme comportado diferente, solo que pienso constantemente que no podemos mejorar aunque yo me esfuerce, no podemos tener éxito aunque yo ponga todo de mí, porque tu ya no estás dispuesta a poner todo de ti y eso terminaría rompiéndome en mil, no quieres ir a terapia, no puedes aceptar que tus errores van más allá de "te permití herirme" y es evidente que piensas así porque incluso cuando te disculpabas, tus disculpas eran para sentirte mejor tu, no eran disculpas para hacerme sentir a mí que las cosas serian diferentes, que entendias que no debias haberte comportado asi o que no debias haber dicho esto o aquello, más allá de "siento mucho que te hayas sentido mal, o siento mucho lastimarte" eso me deja claro que lo que sentías era la consecuencia (que yo me sintiera mal) más no la acción que habías tenido, por lo tanto la acción nunca cambiaba, los comentarios pasivos agresivos nunca cesaban, y a veces aunque creas que soy fuerte, soy más vulnerable de lo que parezco.

Ahora estoy más o menos estable, vivo independiente, varias entrevistas de trabajo, veo una pequeña luz al final del túnel y tu quieres que sacrifique eso y me decida a volver a tu casa, para que? si un compromiso matrimonial no te detuvo para mandar todo a la basura, que compromiso tengo ahora? que me asegura que después que abandone mi estabilidad no me vas a echar de la casa o a irte? después que deje todo a un lado como lo hice antes? dejaría todo para que? para ir a ser tu... roomate? te amo pero tu no estás dispuesta a cambiar las cosas que me hieren de ti, no estas dispuesta a aceptar las cosas que haces mal, no estás dispuesta a ir a terapia... a que estas dispuesta? a aceptarme de vuelta porque trataré de ser buena, y que hay de mis partes malas? que hay del amor el cual está en las malas? tu amor es condicional, tu amor es solo cuando soy "la persona que siempre quisiste" pero eso no es amor. ¿Qué hay de cuando soy aquella que tiene todos esos defectos? y aunque quiera cambiar muchas cosas, yo nunca seré perfecta porque la perfección no existe y el perfeccionismo no deberías aplicarlo nunca a las personas.

Creo en el amor, en el de verdad, en el incondicional, pero es que incluso cuando me hablas, se nota tu distancia, usas el verbo amar en pasado, siempre "te amaba" "te amé" y no puedo hablarte de nada de esto, no puedo decirte nada porque no me escuchas, tu punto de vista es el unico valido, tu dolor es el unico valido, tu sacrificio es el unico valido.

Me siento sin esperanzas, porque te amo, y solo Dios sabe lo mucho que quiero volver y tenerte cerca, te extraño demasiado y la distancia es muy difícil pero volver donde tu estés, aunque me recibieras sería un suicidio emocional, porque no estas dispuesta a nada más que a eso... a recibirme, si es que aun lo estas.

Día 9 de mi vida a oscuras 💡

Hoy me he terminado de mudar, me encuentro buscando excusas para quedarme un poquito más, para no alejarme para no perderte, hoy rogué, arrastre aquello a que llaman dignidad por los cuatro vientos,te dije todo lo que sentía y aún así no sirvió de nada, me siento impotente porque piensas que miento, ya no me amas, ya no me crees. Quisiera que hubieran cámaras que vieran al lnterior del cerebro y poderte enseñar el mío. Es tan frustrante que creas que miento aún cuando nunca había sido tan honesta y tan abierta, hoy es la última noche que duermo en la mísma casa, todo va a cambiar y todo será horrible ahora. Pero debo estar preparada para esto. Y seguir adelante aunque duela muchísimo seguir sin ti. El amor todo lo puede muñeca, vuelve a mi y dame una oportunidad.

Día 5 de mi vida a oscuras 💡

Hoy hice algunas cosas como meditar y orar un poco para pedirle a Dios claridad sobre lo que está pasando, sobre si había posibilidades de salvar lo nuestro que me diera una señal, sigo esperando una posibilidad pero se hace imposible entre toda la oscuridad.

Leyendo entre mis cosas me di cuenta que extrañaba mucho la conexión que solíamos tener, pasamos mucho tiempo anhelando lo que no teníamos que en eso se convirtió nuestra relación, en las cosas que nos faltaban, le dimos tanta importancia que al final las que si teníamos se perdieron, Hoy me detuve a hablar un tiempo con un amigo y me di cuenta de que teníamos tantas cosas, y pienso que el hecho de que no nos entendamos y el hecho de que no seamos compatibles son muy diferentes, no creo que no seamos compatibles, la verdad es que en mi opinion solo hemos tenido demasiadas diferencias las cuales nunca resolvimos, heridas que se quedaron abiertas y nunca sanaron, y no se puede seguir adelante si no nos curamos y no podemos sanar sino resolvemos esas diferencias.

It reminded me all the things I used to enjoy about being with you, all the sexy conversations we used to have instead of just going to business, the way you used to make me feel when you were staring at me and the things you used to tell my by messages... 🤯 I didn’t feel good about myself and felt very abandoned, I felt misunderstood, I felt like you never validated my feelings because I wasn’t crying, because I avoided confrontation, because I just stone walled instead of going too deep, but even after all that, after reading from your own letter that you thought I was taking advantage of you, reading that you just wanted me to leave you to be happy like I was an obstacle for you to be happy, and even after all that I wasn’t thinking on leaving you, I just wish you could understand that I suffered, that I cried alone as well, I just wish you could move on with me instead of moving on away from me, I wish you find a way to let go all that resentment, I wish you could go back in time and remember the things that made us happy from each other, I mean you probably remember the things that I used to do that made you happy but... do you remember the ones you used to do that made me happy? Do you remember how you got lost with me as well? Do you really believe that you have been behaving like the person I fall in love with? And if you are not... why are you any different than me? I don’t want to blame you, but I also don’t want you to blame me, this is the reason why I stone wall so much, to avoid feeling pointed fingers at, to avoid feeling like I’m a monster or something, I just wish you could understand that if we are not getting along is nobody’s fault but circumstances and situations, I’m sure you can tell me a million things I could have done to make things better, that maybe would have fix what was happening but I also have a million ideas of things you could’ve done to build me up, you wanted me to touch you, to want to kiss you, make love to you, but you could’ve gotten that easily, just with a different approach, in the same way you wouldn’t be here if my approach was different.

I’m so sad right now, we used to have such a strong connection, we used to talk for hours, watch the sunset together, I remember when I used to put my head in your lap and you will run your fingers through my hair while studying or reading, how you used to run your fingers in my back, I remember you used to say that you loved my back,  the after sex was more amazing and intimate than the sex itself, I used to feel so comfortable in your bed, in your arms,  and if I refuse to let you go is because I don’t think I could feel like that with anyone else and even if I could I don’t want to.

I get people trying to hit me up as I’m sure you do too, and I feel gross even to think about it, I just can’t even think about touching someone else, or kissing them... and even if I had reasons to avoid kissing you, I literally love your lips and your eyes... sometimes I see the videos of us in the past and it was so sexy to me the way you used to react after kissing me, like licking or biting your lips like you really liked it, but with time even that stopped, it was like you got enough of it, like you didn’t want them anymore and even when you were complaining when you didn’t have them your reaction was no longer the same, and all that helped with my insecurities but hell I miss those times.

I’ll keep writing ✍️ as long as I feel like I have things to say

Bonus post 💡

She was made out of stars,
Made of dreams, made in mars
she was made out of strength
Out of love, out of sand.
She belong to outer space,
Belong to you, belong to me.
she was made of art
But she became a fantasy.
she touched the moon,
Caressed the sun and born in nature.
She was pure instinct
She was with me in the darkest sin.
She was made of stars...

Dia 4 de mi vida a Oscuras. 💡

No todos Los dias posteare versos y pensamientos, hoy postearé unas canciones que me recuerdan lo que teniamos, lo lindo que ha sido a pesar de todo.

Aca Dejo 4 Canciones 😘 

Tengo tantas ganas

Ay, de besarte en las mañana

Justo cuando te levantas

(Te amo)

Pero tengo miedo (tengo miedo)

Que busques a alguien perfecto

Y yo tan de carne y hueso

(Te amo)

Day 3 de mi vida a oscuras 💡

I will be writing here till I get better so I need to write today as well, every day till I understand that I can let you go, I will write, we argued yesterday as well, we said so many things we shouldn't have but here we are, once more, I get so sad when those things happens but I feel like you dont understand me, like whatever I felt back then is not validated, is not acknowledged, just because I didn't cry, just because you didn't see my pain.

I am confused, because some times you say I was good, loving, kind, and caring, but that I changed, and other times you say that I was always bad and that you convinced yourself from the beginning to believe that I loved you but everything was in your head, and it was you all the time. so I dont understand what do you really needed or wanted, i dont understand what you expected from me, I dont know if I ever was good, I dont know if what you need I have it in me and I just wont do it, or if I dont have it at all.

Sometimes I think therapy will help me to be a better person, but then I get afraid that even if I become a better person I wont be able to fulfill your expectations, You told me the other day that I could stay here, that I could take therapy and grow, as a person, but I mean, what if i do? what if you realized that I could actually give you what you needed but then we are divorced, I dont know if i will be able to move on with you after a divorce, I dont think I could even see your face after it. specially because I'll need time to heal and move on, that's the main reason why I cant be friends with my ex's I need to learn how to live with it, I dont think I would like to see you dating and stuff, even if it does't happen now I will feel jealous, and I will be all bitter about it. 

There's so much in my brain, there's so much that you dont understand, there's too much even for me to handle, I wish you could get in my brain for a minute so you can understand my behaviors, I wish that you could see you the way I do, through my eyes.

Today I had a conversation with a friend who told me that if talking was too much for me or for us "because every time we talk about our relationship we end up arguing" that I should leave notes to you, try to sleep with you, try to be nice with you, but the thing is, I'm extremely afraid, last time we sleep together your phone unlocked as soon as you touched, maybe it recognized your fingerprint when you disconnected it, or I dont know what happened but you ended up thinking that I was checking through your phone, now I dont want to touch any of your devices, because I think they all have hidden stuff that I shouldn't see, but mostly because your reaction just to think that I could've been doing it.

I dont want to leave notes because you might laugh or think that I'm doing it now when there's no solution anymore, I'm just silent because anything I do could trigger you and you can explode in anger, and that is certainly not my goal.

I feel so bad when we fight, like we are just breaking each other piece by piece, like there's an invisible force making us go through this, sometimes I dont even understand why are we fighting or what for.... few weeks ago you said that we didn't argue, that you watched a movie where a character said "if I argued like that with my ex we will be together still" well we have FOUGHT like a whole lot! and here we are, filling for a divorce.

If you ask me, the reason why we are going through this is not enough, is not a reason strong enough to break a marriage, specially after just one year, this is just crazy to me, is just so sad that those two people that stood in front of friends to vow to each other are now done just because they couldn't try harder.

I'm afraid to do any move, afraid to say any word, I'm afraid to try anything, and people will tell me to get rid of the fear and just do it, like it was as simple. as it was something I could just do, some of the fear, of the behavior, is deeply rooted inside my brain, and it's not an easy task to do.

Today I received an email from my therapist, asking me for a list of the reasons that my wife has told me were the reasons for the divorce, but I still dont understand, dont get me wrong, I understand that you went through a lot, I just still dont think that those reasons would be enough for a divorce, I really dont, I've read a lot of blogs, I've watched a lot of videos, about divorce and I came to the conclusion that I'M NOT READY TO LET YOU GO. because I dont see myself without you still.

I'm sorry but I'm used to us, as a couple, the jokes, the projects, the silly arguments about the projects when we're making or building something, I cant stand not being there for the things like grabbing a snake, helping you to put together furniture or machines, not being able to help you with mouses, or giving you ideas to solve daily basics situations, I've to come to terms with all that, I have to accept that I wont see you again and even if we dont sleep together, even if we are not being intimately together, i know you're there for me, If I have pain, If I feel angry about something, if there's a comment or a Post in FB that shocked me, If I feel alone and dont want to admit it, but I know you're there as much as you know I'm here too, maybe I haven't being able to tackle all your emotional needs, but you know I'm here for so many other things, i feel helpless because sometimes I think those things are not worth it, that the things that I like doing for you lack of any value whatsoever because they get shaded by the things I cant provide and it feels so wrong.

I didn't noticed that you eliminated me from your social media, maybe that's the reason I couldn't find you on FB messenger the other day, as in the divorce, that's another thing I cant force you to.

Hopefully someday you can read this and understand me or remember how much I loved you.

Hopefully some day you get to this blog just to walk down memory lane and remember how much you meant to me.

In the meantime I'll keep working in myself, I'll keep writing here, even if we argue, even if I feel bad, even after you leave my side.

Love, 

Sussy

Dia 2 Things that I learned today. 💡

I learned a few things today.

First I was really excited about my appointment with the Psychologist, I've never done therapy and I thought that after my first session I would be able to look things differently but I actually ended up feeling worse, the therapist said that it was normal because I explained to her all the things that made me feel bad, and talking about it is never pleasant, also she said that there's nothing that can be done about the divorce because that's what you wanted and I have to respect that. but she was really nice regardless, she is a CBT therapist Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a short-term, goal-oriented psychotherapy treatment that takes a hands-on, practical approach to problem-solving. Its goal is to change patterns of thinking or behavior that are behind people's difficulties, and so change the way they feel. which means that she gonna help me to find the root of my behavior and modify it, without making it painful to me, or feeling that people wants to change me, she will give me techniques to approach my problems instead of me just "trying to be different" because we would find the root of those things instead of just treating the symptoms, also made me feel a little better by acknowledging that even if the situation made me feel that things were my fault, there's never 100% my fault and that there's a middle point that we probably are not seeing, also she explained to me that while we talk she can grab and double check my behaviors and help me to express myself in a way that other people can understands me, because I told her that I avoid confrontation and that I run away from problems, that I wasn't good at communication. it was an amazing therapy session and I feel hopeful because maybe not with you but I could be happy at some point, she told me that she understands everything I explained to her and that t actually makes sense; I don't think I'm getting crazy, she also told me that the fact that she understands me doesn't mean that everybody will,  and that people have different perspectives but that doesn't mean it's wrong or okay. I felt good, hopefully I can get another session with her next week because we gonna start making exercises to change my behavior and I couldn't be more excited, I don't want to turn like my mom or your dad. Even if it looks like I do, I just understands why but I don't really enjoy the consequences that it brings me.

Today I Also Learn about an experiment to see if your marriage can be saved.

Do I have time to do it? no, because I don't have five days. but here's what it explains:

The differences on the marriage are the ones that make it interesting, the differences are essential to a marriage but they also creates conflict.

70% of the problems in relationships every single one of them, happy and unhappy are unsolvable, the difference between the healthy and unhealthy marriages is how they handle the problems.

4 Horsemen of the apocalypse in every marriage are

• Criticism
• Defensiveness
• Contempt
• Stone walling 

5 Days Experiment 

95:5 % of commitment. as soon as we think that everything would be better if the other person just... or if the other person do... that's criticism, while taking 95% of the marriage responsibility leaves your spouse out of criticism and let you focus in what you can do.

25: 5 "25 things you are grateful for,  (25 each day, different each day)13 being about your spouse or marriage as it is right now"

Daily Triple Play

Give

Social Gifts. 

1. Appreciation, 

2. connection, celebrate your things in common.

3. Enlightenment "Start with did you know? did you hear?

4.Elevation, Lift your spouse, smile, 

Send

a message that you value this relationship and that you're willing to do what's required to make this work. 5 times 

Serve 

serve your spouse, try to find a way to find something special to serve your espause.

Live On Purpose TV

Es fácil decir que todo sana, que todo pasa, que la vida sigue, lo que es Dificil es dejar ir esos momentos compartidos, esas navidades, esos cumpleaños, las citas, las sonrisas, las bromas, las risas, saber que esos serian los últimos, de haberlo sabido los hubiera disfrutado al máximo, habría disfrutado cada segundo, muchas veces dicen que en un divorcio uno tiene una visión distorsionada y tiende a aferrarse más a los momentos buenos, que uno tiende a apreciar y valorar cosas que no valoraba antes, o a entender que cosas que uno daba por sentado ya no estarán más ahí. Mucha gente dice que no te preocupes, que pasara lo mejor para ti, que todo estará bien y que dios te dará lo que necesitas para seguir, pero hace días que no

se como

seguir, quisiera despertar y que me digan que era una broma, o una prueba, que era para ver si me dolía, o para ver si reaccionaba, quisiera ponerle pausa al dolor, ir a dormir y no despertar pero ni dormir puedo, me despierto con un nudo en la garganta, con mí estomago hecho un lio. Entiendo que ya es tarde para todo, para cualquier intento, para cualquier medida, pero me siento triste porque siento que no agotamos las medidas, no hicimos todo lo que se podía para salvar el amor que había, no hicimos lo suficiente, pero ya es tarde.

Live & Learn 

Heal & Grow

 

Ahora tomare un baño y algo para dormir, tengo varias opciones de a donde ir a partir del lunes y aunque ninguna es mi preferida o lo que soñaba porque mi sueño era arrugarme contigo, la doctora me dijo que me enfocara en el aqui y ahora, entonces como no puedo solucionarlo solo me queda sopesar mis opciones para decidir que hacer.

Buscar un trabajo nuevo, mudarme de la casa, me duele mucho dejarte muñeca pero quiero sentir esperanza por lo que vendrá, ya cuando pase un poco la tormenda del Covid19 me ire oara Sto Dgo, quiero sentirme mejor, y aunque se que mis emociones estaran como un sube y baja o una montaña rusa, "sintiendome mal ahora y mejor en un rato, despues mal de nuevo y luego mejor otra vez" tengo que hacerlo por mi paz y bienestar emocional, como tu dices, la paz esta en uno mismo. 

Buenas Noches en caso de que leas esto.

Dia 1 de Mi vida a oscuras. 💡

Hoy firme los papeles del divorcio, no estaba lista, aún no lo estoy, no he parado de llorar, no por la costumbre o porque "me sentía bien" en la relación, sino porque me case contigo para hacernos viejitas juntas, peleando, molestándote, haciéndote reír, yo no quería casarme, pero me convenciste, me hiciste creer que te quedarías, que no importaba que pasara seguiríamos aquí, que nunca me abandonarías, pensaba que el día que pareciera que no te amaba, me amarías el doble, me amarías por las dos, porque yo no me amo a mi misma, me duele tanto dejarte ir, me parte el alma porque te amo, pero cuando te vi llorar diciéndome que necesitabas que te dejara libre, que necesitabas eso, que necesitabas salir de esta relación, mi corazón se partió en mil pedazos, yo solo quiero hacerte feliz aunque yo muera de tristeza, aunque mi alma se quiebre, aunque me desgarre es espíritu, prefiero sufrir por dejarte ir que hacerte sufrir por quedarte conmigo, la verdad es que te extrañaré con locura, alejarme de ti será una de las cosas más difíciles de mi vida, pero no puedo quedarme a tu lado sabiendo que ya no eres mía, que fracasé en ser para ti lo que tú eras para mí, eras mi hogar, porque el hogar no es un lugar sino una persona, el hogar es quien te hace sentir segura y amada, y aunque quizá no me sentía deseada como mujer, no me sentía que estabas atraída a mí físicamente, si sabia que me amabas, a veces me sentía muy mal, a veces me sentía que no me apoyabas como necesitaba, sentía que me presionabas, que querías cambiarme en vez de amarme, pero nada de eso me hizo amarte menos, prefería y aún prefiero sufrir contigo que la alternativa (vivir sin ti) además de que siempre lo veía como cosas que pasan en una pareja, nunca pensé que los problemas nos traerían aquí, nunca pensé que te perdería así. Nunca pensé que serias solo un recuerdo, estoy aterrada de no verte más, aterrada de nunca abrazarte, aterrada de nunca poder sentir tu presencia cerca mío, es como un demonio que debo enfrentar, pero es tan difícil, no sabia que iba a encontrar Luz en Luz, y ahora me toca enfrentar mi oscuridad, tengo tantos lindos recuerdos, tengo tanto en mi corazón, y duele tanto, nunca me había sentido así con nadie, y aunque quizá no lo entiendas, nunca había amado de esta manera tan enferma, tan dependiente, y eso me aterra, tus abrazos me hacían sentir tan segura, y ahora estoy desesperada, vacía, drenada, mi alma esta rota, en pedazos, desbaratada.... te escribiré cada vez que tenga cosas que decirte, no soy buena para hablar, quisiera que pudieras estar dentro de mí, ver lo que yo siento, comprobar lo que hay en mi corazón y quizá no estuvieras aquí porque no tendrías dudas de que te amo, ojala pudiéramos revisar pensamientos y sentimientos en vez de correos y conversaciones de celular.... quizá me leas constantemente o quizá no.