I am confused, because some times you say I was good, loving, kind, and caring, but that I changed, and other times you say that I was always bad and that you convinced yourself from the beginning to believe that I loved you but everything was in your head, and it was you all the time. so I dont understand what do you really needed or wanted, i dont understand what you expected from me, I dont know if I ever was good, I dont know if what you need I have it in me and I just wont do it, or if I dont have it at all.
Sometimes I think therapy will help me to be a better person, but then I get afraid that even if I become a better person I wont be able to fulfill your expectations, You told me the other day that I could stay here, that I could take therapy and grow, as a person, but I mean, what if i do? what if you realized that I could actually give you what you needed but then we are divorced, I dont know if i will be able to move on with you after a divorce, I dont think I could even see your face after it. specially because I'll need time to heal and move on, that's the main reason why I cant be friends with my ex's I need to learn how to live with it, I dont think I would like to see you dating and stuff, even if it does't happen now I will feel jealous, and I will be all bitter about it.
There's so much in my brain, there's so much that you dont understand, there's too much even for me to handle, I wish you could get in my brain for a minute so you can understand my behaviors, I wish that you could see you the way I do, through my eyes.
Today I had a conversation with a friend who told me that if talking was too much for me or for us "because every time we talk about our relationship we end up arguing" that I should leave notes to you, try to sleep with you, try to be nice with you, but the thing is, I'm extremely afraid, last time we sleep together your phone unlocked as soon as you touched, maybe it recognized your fingerprint when you disconnected it, or I dont know what happened but you ended up thinking that I was checking through your phone, now I dont want to touch any of your devices, because I think they all have hidden stuff that I shouldn't see, but mostly because your reaction just to think that I could've been doing it.
I dont want to leave notes because you might laugh or think that I'm doing it now when there's no solution anymore, I'm just silent because anything I do could trigger you and you can explode in anger, and that is certainly not my goal.
I feel so bad when we fight, like we are just breaking each other piece by piece, like there's an invisible force making us go through this, sometimes I dont even understand why are we fighting or what for.... few weeks ago you said that we didn't argue, that you watched a movie where a character said "if I argued like that with my ex we will be together still" well we have FOUGHT like a whole lot! and here we are, filling for a divorce.
If you ask me, the reason why we are going through this is not enough, is not a reason strong enough to break a marriage, specially after just one year, this is just crazy to me, is just so sad that those two people that stood in front of friends to vow to each other are now done just because they couldn't try harder.
I'm afraid to do any move, afraid to say any word, I'm afraid to try anything, and people will tell me to get rid of the fear and just do it, like it was as simple. as it was something I could just do, some of the fear, of the behavior, is deeply rooted inside my brain, and it's not an easy task to do.
Today I received an email from my therapist, asking me for a list of the reasons that my wife has told me were the reasons for the divorce, but I still dont understand, dont get me wrong, I understand that you went through a lot, I just still dont think that those reasons would be enough for a divorce, I really dont, I've read a lot of blogs, I've watched a lot of videos, about divorce and I came to the conclusion that I'M NOT READY TO LET YOU GO. because I dont see myself without you still.
I'm sorry but I'm used to us, as a couple, the jokes, the projects, the silly arguments about the projects when we're making or building something, I cant stand not being there for the things like grabbing a snake, helping you to put together furniture or machines, not being able to help you with mouses, or giving you ideas to solve daily basics situations, I've to come to terms with all that, I have to accept that I wont see you again and even if we dont sleep together, even if we are not being intimately together, i know you're there for me, If I have pain, If I feel angry about something, if there's a comment or a Post in FB that shocked me, If I feel alone and dont want to admit it, but I know you're there as much as you know I'm here too, maybe I haven't being able to tackle all your emotional needs, but you know I'm here for so many other things, i feel helpless because sometimes I think those things are not worth it, that the things that I like doing for you lack of any value whatsoever because they get shaded by the things I cant provide and it feels so wrong.
I didn't noticed that you eliminated me from your social media, maybe that's the reason I couldn't find you on FB messenger the other day, as in the divorce, that's another thing I cant force you to.
Hopefully someday you can read this and understand me or remember how much I loved you.
Hopefully some day you get to this blog just to walk down memory lane and remember how much you meant to me.
In the meantime I'll keep working in myself, I'll keep writing here, even if we argue, even if I feel bad, even after you leave my side.
Love,
Sussy
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